I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on. Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time.Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain.A good mood is like a balloon: one prick is all it takes to ruin it.An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back. A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.

A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?.Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.It is too small for you to let it out alone. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!.Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children!.Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.Please be patient, I will get to you shortly. I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet.How many times must I flush before you finally go away?.There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble. Hearing voices in your head is normal.He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it. If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it.My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then. I used to think that you were a pain in the neck.I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking. I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.That was until I bought a bag of potato chips. All my life I thought air was for free.Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!.

A train station is where the train stops.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December! I read married couples have sex about 74 times per year.Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.

Weird funny words